i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
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