and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Randomize
