So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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