What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
