can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize
