I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
