just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Randomize
