She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Randomize
