I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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