I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
