he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
