I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
