My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
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