just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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