I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Randomize
