I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Randomize
