everyone is single if you try hard enough
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I need to sanitize my soul.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
