I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
