I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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