I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
this just has baby written all over it
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
