u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Randomize
