DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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