too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
