somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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