John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Is it because I queefed?
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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