this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Randomize
