Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
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