i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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