im about as happy as oj after his trial
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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