I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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