How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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