Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
