i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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