I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
