there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
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