I hate all girls vehemently.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I want to be your penis for a week.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
