would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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