A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Randomize
