Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
