Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
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