the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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