...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Randomize
