You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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