I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Randomize
