Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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