Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
