life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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