my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Randomize
