Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Randomize
