drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Randomize
