Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Come on in and take your pants off
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