i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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