i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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