I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Randomize
