I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Success! We fucked roommates!
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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