I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
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